Past Signature Lines

For those of you who receive e-mails from me, some of these should look familiar. For those of you who don't, these are some of the past humor lines I put at the end of my e-mail signature. Most of them are from my warped thought process, some are from the internet. I hope you get a chuckle or two from them.  They are listed with the most recent ones first...

• "Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral."  -- Robert Orben

• Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. – Unknown

• There are so many good sales with such great savings right now, I'm going to save myself right into bankruptcy.

• Black holes are where God divided by zero.

• Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

• "Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'brightness,' but it doesn't work." -- Gallagher

• A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago....

• I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

• It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.

• Join the Army! Visit new countries, meet interesting people... then kill them.

• To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

• If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

• You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think...

• Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming, "WOW! What
  a Ride!!"

• If you're treated for multiple personalities, can you qualify for a group rate?

• There are two rules for success in life:
  1. Don't tell people everything you know.

• ...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "Lookout a truck!"

• ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

• Don't worry if you start losing your memory. In fact, just forget about it.

• A strange thing happened to me at my last hockey game. A Jerry Springer show broke out.

• Without C, we would be coding in Basi, Pasal and Obol.

• AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.

• For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.

• Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

• A cynic is a person who tries to make the world a bitter place to live in.

• In order to understand recursion you must first understand recursion.

• Don't you just hate it when people put a period at the end of a sentence when it should be a question mark.

• Not only is the glass half empty, but somebody else will probably come along and drink it before I get to it.

• You say tomato, I say tomato.com.

• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

• Growing older means finding more mature ways of being immature.

• I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

• Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.

• Help Wanted - Telepath. You know where to apply.

• People are always making fun of "jocks". Well, I happen to know that one of the Lions just finished a book. Now I understand he's going to try to read a second one soon too.

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

• Be careful of sugar substitutes. I had a friend who overused substitute sweeteners. She died of artificial diabetes.

• I used to be indecisive but now I'm not sure.

• I believe men, like women, play games. They are just much simpler... Kind of like comparing playing house to neurosurgery.

• I'm willing to be different as long as that's what everyone else is doing.

• I took a test that said I was cynical. Why should I believe that?

• The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that one out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

• If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

• Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

• Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

• I doubt, therefore I might be.

• I was onse in a spellling bee, but I lost becauze the other contastents cheeted.

• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

• How much do you think Santa would charge for his list of naughty girls?

• I think it's only fair that a doctor who prescribes a placebo should be paid with counterfeit money.

• I had to give up drag racing because I couldn't run in high heels.

• I plan to live forever; or die trying.

• Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't need them.

• Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

• The only things that will go away when ignored are your teeth and your girlfriend...

• AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. The scream you just heard was a test of the emergency broadcast system. If it had been an actual emergency, the scream you just heard would have been followed by many more just like it...

• The journey of life is seldom perfect. Sometimes you travel a clear path with ease; sometimes you have to blaze your own trail through the thicket.

• A Freudian slip is when you say something but mean a mother.

• People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.

• I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone wasn't after me.

• Windows 95 took us right up to the edge. With Windows 98, we took a big step forward.

• If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

• Vote for anarchy.

• A Conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

• I only make mental bets. Unfortunately, I've lost my mind.

• I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.

• Hockey is nothing more than a war where people keep score.

• If someone makes you angry, I think the thing to do is tie them down to the ground, cover them in honey, and then release a swarm of killer ants on them. That way, you can hit them over and over again and say, "Hey! I'm just trying to help!" and they can't really get mad at you.

• Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same token, a mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is the same.

• A man in New York City chained his bike to a tree and was sentenced to hug, kiss and apologize to the tree. I think I'll chain myself to Cindy Crawford.

• Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, dogs are from Pluto and cars are from Saturn and Mercury. Let's go moon someone.

• If a man from Michigan is a Michigander, why isn't a woman a Michigoose?

• If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

• Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

• You know what the problem with a lot of people is? Overpopulation.

• A college commencement is when the real world beckons to all the graduates. Depending on their majors though, it's not always with the correct finger.

• After my Windows 98 crashed 6 times, I ran out and got "Friend of the Robot" tattooed on my forehead, thinking the machines were rebelling and planning to kill us all. Imagine my chagrin when it just turned out to be a crappy product.

• Assassination is illegal, but "air strikes" are legit. Moral: killing is wrong unless you take
  out some innocent bystanders, too.

• A host is a host, from coast to coast; and no-one will talk to a host that's close. Unless the host, that isn't close, is busy, hung or dead!

• Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.

• I always thought "inappropriate behavior" was something like wearing a sport shirt to a formal dinner party, not committing adultery and lying to 200 million people.

• I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done already.

• The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

• Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

• When you are in hell, where can you tell people you don't like to go?

• Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.

• I bet whenever a cow sees one of those "Got Milk?" commercials, it gets all smug and walks around with a condescending grin on its face for the rest of the day.

• Before I begin, I have a little confession. I sent this out to others. It was a misstatement to let you believe that I had only sent this to you. It was an inappropriate relationship; it will never happen again.

• I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blonde I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help ME, put ME out.' Come on, could we talk about someone else just a little bit?

• Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

• If at first you don't succeed, try second or shortstop.

• Someday we'll look back on all this ... and plow into a parked car.

• When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?

• Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

• The cost of living is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

• Sorry, I can't help you with your Y2K implementation... I'm all booked up until 1902.

• Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

• I once had dinner in a German-Chinese restaurant. The food was delicious, but an hour later, I was hungry for power.

• If American mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

• Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

• I don't believe in superstition... That would be bad luck.

• They say if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat down your door. But usually it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once you stop throwing dead mice in his yard.

• I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive. She thinks she got me with her long-range rifle, but she missed.

• I was throwing a tennis ball against the wall the other day, when I thought, "Gee, this would be more fun with a kid." But you know, I bet they really don't bounce as well.

• Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

• The National Attention Deficit Disorder Association is holding its annual convention this week. The National Attention Deficit Disorder Association is holding its annual convention this week.

• The Boy Scouts of America may make snowboarding a merit badge activity. That's great. You never know when you might need to help a little old lady down a mountain really fast.

• Where do you register a complaint about the Better Business Bureau?

• A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus over-turned on the highway. Reports say that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded."

• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

• I'm completely sane, at least, that is what the voices in my head tell me.

• I can't help it. My superiority complex is not only bigger and better than anybody else's, it's more complicated.

• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

• Two men walked into a bar. You'd think the second one would have seen it.

• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

• There are two major products to come out of Berkley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

• I never start something that I am not going to fi
  
  
  

Back To Home Page